More Than Exist

I had no intentions of making a post today, LOTS has been changing really fast in my life lately and I have been scrambling to keep up with everything. Long story short (and more about this stuff later) additional job, problems with kiiya, training new puppy, getting ready to restart school, and moving out of my parents house for the first time. Wow. Yeah I know. Crazy right?! Sooooo at my place I do not currently have wifi, making it very difficult to post anything, hence my rather long unintended sabbatical. Hopefully rectifying this within the next few days. Anyway POINT OF THIS POST! To explain, since my last post says "bye facebook" and this one is saying "hi facebook". I figured I should do some explaining. Well I have officially and eternally said goodbye to my personal facebook account. Everything is being deleted and I will not be posting new things. However, I miss people, I miss beautiful thought provoking conversations, and I hate feeling alone and isolated. So I have decided to open a specific page for Dog At Her Heel. I figure if one or two people are getting something out of my ramblings, then I am blessed. I plan to post links from here to there so that anyone who is remotely interested in my life and thoughts will know when new stuff is up and be able to converse with me through there :3 So THAT is the long and short of it all. I want to reach people, I want to connect, I want to do more than simply exist.

So check out our new facebook page, comment here or there and let me know what you think!

:D ->  https://www.facebook.com/DogAtHerHeel

Goodbye Facebook!

I've been thinking about it for awhile. no seriously like a loooooong time. And I finally decided it's time to do it. I'm saying goodbye to facebook. I figured plenty of people live without one, so I just might survive.

For me facebook started out as an amazing way to connect with people, to catch up with friends and to stay connected. But overtime it became something else. Something far more toxic and unhealthy. I spent far to much time comparing myself to others. I felt more inadequate then ever before. Like everyone else was doing amazing things and I wasn't. It sucked joy out of my life daily.

Now this is not a facebook bashing party. I love facebook. I think it's great. I really do. But I also think that I am not able to handle it. It is a tool that I use against my self ot cultivate more self loathing. And now I've finally decided to shoot down the crap I was using to convince myself to keep it, and to just let go. I feel this will be harder then I thought. I may talk about it again. But for now I'm going to go deal with the withdrawals by eating some chocolate ;)

Everybody Loves a Comeback

Well guess what? I screwed up again! I KNOW RIGHT! ridiculous. ;P Well climbing back up AGAIN. And I was listening to one of my favorite song artists ??? (wow I just realized I have no idea what they are called. I am sooooo special. lol..) Anyway Brett Dennen!

Resigned to Existence

"In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If I could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life as easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence." -Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things


I found this quote. I think I love it. It doesn't apply to me all the time. But sometimes it does, and I guess that's the point. This is a part of me that is "ugly" or "shameful" or "wrong". At least these are the labels the people in my life have have slapped on those who acknowledge that this IS in fact a piece of them to. That there is a part of them that isn't all shiny and pretty.

See today I don't feel like this. Today I'm fine. And that is why I decided to post it today. Because I can look at it at a time when I'm not drowning in it, defending it for the sake of feeling better about being there. Nope, I'm not there. Yup, I often fall on my face and end up there. Occasionally I even willingly go there for the sake of familiarity. And I'm defending it because you know what? It's ok. It really is ok to feel like total shit. To feel overwhelmed. To want to make everything go away. I refuse to let this mindset be an excuse for me to feel inadequate any longer. It is not me. I am not defined by this mindset. But it is a part of who I am and it is OK =]

CrAzY beautiful LIFE

I'm in a thinking mood today. Traditionally this has not been a good thing for me. Thinking makes me cringe. It forces memories and all the negative emotions that come with them. It transforms me into a shaking pile of nerves and renders me incapable of rational thoughts. But not today. No today has been quite the opposite.

I'm feeling inspired. By the beautiful things. Beautiful people. And beautiful places in my life. Recently I've been stuck. Unable to think, or feel, or care. I felt isolated, frustrated, and ugly, and worthless. I still feel those things.

Well then what caused the change? It took a few people to remind me that I am not defined by my problems. That sometimes life just sucks and you have to pick yourself up again and again and move on. That I can do it. That I am worth it. That they want me in their lives.

Now I know I'm not alone. I don't have to fight my battles alone. I don't have to struggle in silence. When I fall I have people to catch me and set me on my feet again. And for them I am so incredibly grateful <3

It's amazing how much a singly person can impact your life. Change your mindset, and convince you to keep going. I am blessed. And I know this. I now realize that my life is so beautiful despite all the crap. And maybe it is the crap that makes it so beautiful? I imagine the good would not feel nearly as good if there was not bad for it to compete with. The trouble with beauty is that you have to train your eyes to see it. You have to learn to look for it. You have to want to look for it. You have to let yourself marvel and wonder and imagine. You have to let go a little bit and see that nothing exists that doesn't have it's own beauty. All you have to do it see it. Today I see. My life is beautiful.

Lately I've felt crazy. Like banging-my-head-against-walls-lock-me-away-in-a-loony-bin crazy. And I was reminded over and over again (thank goodness for patient persistent people!) that "You are only as crazy as you think you are, and fyi, you're actually pretty sane." I decided I still think I'm pretty crazy ;] But I want to be a different kind of crazy! I want to be the races-the-wind-skips-for-no-reason-laughing-until-it-hurts-awkward-conversations-and-loving-everyone-filled-with-joy kind of crazy! Today I know. My life is crazy.

 I want my life to be absolutely full to the brim of more crazy then I know what to do with. I want to be crazy happy, crazy loving, everyday truly living, my crazy beautiful life.

Be Mine?

Happy Valentines Day =]

Vulnerable

Our fear of being vulnerable keeps us in a cage. A cage of our own making. This is perhaps the worst kind.

I'm a stubborn person. I also tend to be independent. It is my core instinct to retreat when I'm struggling. To "protect" people from my problems. To push through it myself. Logically I know this is wrong and unhealthy. Psh that's half the reason I started this blog in the first place. Truth is I don't know if this is something I will be able to change. I know. I know I should. I know I'll try. But the act of admitting.  Of letting someone know you aren't ok. Allowing them to see you at your weakest takes trust. I lack this. It requires you to be truly vulnerable. Again. I suck at this.

Being vulnerable. It goes against our nature. It defies those "laws" of, we subconsciously accept our whole lives. Being vulnerable is dangerous. It's scary. If you open yourself up to be hurt then you will be hurt. This should be avoided at all costs ect ect ect. Basic self preservation.

What is it about vulnerability that we find so frightening? So terrible? When we are vulnerable we are sharing us. Our raw selves. Who we truly are at our core. Most of the time this part of us is kept hidden and protected by many many walls that very few are privileged enough to break through. Peel those layers away and the most treasured part of our being is left out for others to step on, belittle, pick apart, and disprove of. This. Is. Terrifying. But hey if someone steps on your stuff and you don't want them to. Put it on the table. Don't leave it on the floor. Elevate it to a place where it can be looked at. Seen and in plain view. Yet out of reach.

Easier said then done. But worth it. Open the cage.

Conversations

Something I really dislike. When it gets to the point in a conversation where you realize there isn't more. You know? With some people there is just no point in continuing to talk, because the formalities have taken over and there is no hope for a real conversation. Everything seems to have gone into this “nice” and “polite” kind of a place and it doesn't feel real, engaged or authentic in any way. Where it's almost like the social pressures have been given control of the conversation and neither party is able to mold it into something real without a conjoined effort. I really hate these.

Feeling the Rain

I'm enjoying a peaceful walk outside. It's so bright and sunny. In this very spot. But all around for as far as I can see, there is nothing but dark clouds. Ominous. Threatening. I have two choices. I can retreat indoors  Cuddle up in my bed and shut out the world. Safe under a pile of blankets. Or I can stay outside. Walking through the dark. Knowing that
it will rain. Knowing that I just might get wet. Feeling and experiencing it. Knowing that it will be ok. I am strong. I am persistent. I will make it through.

I'm wondering.

I spend a lot of time wondering. Today I seem to have lots of extra wondering going on in my head. So I decided to let a bit of it spill out. I like to wonder. I like to think about things. I don't mind the not knowing. That, I think, is the key to wonder. It's not about knowing. It's about the absence of knowing. I feel like we are slowly loosing wonder. This saddens me. We no longer need it. We want to know something, we whip out a phone and look it up. End of problem. No need for wonder. We can know everything, so we don't need to know anything. I'm in love with wonder. I like the word. I like the meaning. I like the thinking. That odd tension between what is know and what is unknown. This is the domain of wonder. I like to spend time there. In this odd limbo. Join me there? Here goes.

I'm wondering what he's thinking.
I'm wondering if it will snow again.
I'm wondering how I can pull this off.
I'm wondering when it will stop.
I'm wondering what it would be like to be a bird.
I'm wondering how authors think up such amazing stories.
I'm wondering who would care.
I'm wondering what clouds taste like.
I'm wondering why elephants listen to people.
I'm wondering if I can do it.
I'm wondering if there is an escape.
I'm wondering you remember.
I'm wondering how long I can keep this up.
I'm wondering why people wear matching socks.
I'm wondering why you didn't say that.
I'm wondering if bumblebees hate wasps.
I'm wondering why people hate.
I'm wondering when I will run out of things to wonder about.

I'm wondering if it's all worth it.
I think it might be...

Ray of Light

Today a little ray of light joined my little family :3 Baby "Inara", a sweet little 9 week old Icelandic Sheepdog puppy. This little lady is way to cute for her own good. Her name is Arabic for. yup you guess it. Ray of light/heaven sent :) Her nickname "Nari" is also Japanese for gentle child. 

Puppies. They are absolutely the best anti-depressants ever created. I simply am not capable of frowning while looking at her :3 She came just when I needed her. She and Kiiya are getting along amazingly and always teaching me so much <3 I love my girls <3

Every Time She Falls

I know a few of these people. This post is to let you know I'm thinking about you. And I love you. There is a quiet strength about you. About someone who can pick themselves up. Again and again. No matter how many times they fall, or are pushed down. You are truly amazing <3

Radical Change in First Impressions

This post has sat as a draft for far to long, I dyed my hair again today, so as it applies I decided it would be a good day to post it!.

That first impression. So important. So crucial. It can not be undone or taken back. It remains. And carries the power to drastically alter how that person will perceive you forever. Recently I've experienced a rather radical change in first impressions.

Recently I've gone from a simple brown haired quiet girl who isn't remotely risky to the pierced obnoxiously red/purple haired scarred girl. This has been interesting. And prompted  some concern from friends and family. This make me smile inwardly. There is no need for concern. This is not an act of rebellion. It is not a crisis. It is me finally feeling the freedom and confidence to be me. To express who I am at my core. Me to the fullest [At least as far as appearance is concerned.] I found a sort of freedom in looking a way that makes me feel good rather then sticking to what is "safe" and generally accepted. I love that people love me enough to be concerned. However at the same time I have to laugh, because if I had to pick, I would be more concerned about the scared little girl who is afraid to be who she is. But it is what it is. People chose to worry when there is a change from the norm. That's just how it is, and that's ok. End random tangent. I wouldn't exactly say I am no longer afraid to find my self, but I am much less afraid. To look how I feel without fear. However like any life changes, this to is not without it's difficulties.

People look at me differently  They judge me differently. I can see it. I can feel it. I'm not quite sure how to handle it sometimes. It's no secret of of my greatest struggles is getting over my fear of being judged. It's funny. Teachers are the most noticeable  Before when I would talk to them I was given so much more leeway. I guess I can't even really explain it. It's more in the mannerisms and body language and such then anything else. A big eyed curly brown haired girl who talks softly and asks good questions. Afraid of being noticed, is easy to sympathize with and want to help. Now I look like a troubled teen. Guess what. I am troubled. And I'm owning it. I haven't changed the way I interact. I still talk quietly, ask good questions, would prefer to go unnoticed. Yeah right, not with bright red hair [silly girl :P].

I could always talk to people and they wouldn't see me as remotely threatening. But on the other side of the line the more "out there" individuals would presume judgement and avoid me. It's funny it's almost like I've stepped over a line.  Now my nice little "good girl" mask has been swapped  even though what is underneath is still essentially the same. I've earned new labels, new assumptions, and new judgments. And am now more welcome on the other side and judged more harshly by the other. haha it's almost entertaining when you think about it.

I guess the point of this post if first impressions! I never really thought about them before. I mean I did, I'm constantly worried about being negatively judged, but generally I knew how I was perceived, and was fine with it. And now I'm not so sure. I don't know how I'm being perceived, but in theory I'm ok with that?. Meaning if I'm truly happy with how I look then others opinions should not matter. And they don't. Not for that reason. But my mind of course can't manage to get entirely free of that fear. This is turning into a jumbled mess of thoughts. hmmm...

I guess what I am trying to get across is that I've changed. I've taken steps I never thought I would. I'm proud that I was able to do so. I'm recognizing the change and it's difficulties and accepting them. Working hard to not let other people's opinions get to me. It's freeing! It really is. It's not easy. That's what makes it worth while. You should try it. :)

i can't promise

What do you say to someone who is in so much pain? How do you make it better? Make it go away? The answer is that you don't. You don't try to fix anything you are just there. You are there and you support them. And you love them. And most importantly you make absolutely certain that they know it. And you tell them the truths that they need to hear. How do I know what to say? I say what it is that I need to hear. I can relate. Therefore I know what would be a comfort for me. And it works for them. I have a heart for people. The people who are hurting.

See I know I can't fix anything. I know broken. I live broken. I know that sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix it. Sometimes nothing helps. And in those times, the very last thing you need is someone trying to "fix" things. Even perfectly with good intentions. It's the opposite of what is needed. Firstly the attempt and failure to fix brings on yet another tidal wave of failure and inadequacy. Validates in your mind that there is something "wrong" with you. Making you less then you are. Feeding the lies. So I don't fix. I don't promise to fix. Sometimes all you need is someone to walk with you. To listen. To understand. To let you cry. To hear your crap. Your fears. Your failures. Your weakness. And still love you. To tell you it's ok. Even when it's not. To let you know you aren't alone. You don't have to face your demons alone.

Worth It

You are worth it. Do you know this? I don't. If I had to pin down one of my greatest fears it would most definitely be this. Finding out that I am truly as worthless as I think I am. Feeling worth it.

This is something that I believe is especially crucial. It enables you to love yourself. Love others. And feel at peace with who you are. While knowing your value. This is not something I am currently able to  possess.

I've been struggling with my single-ness. And I know I'm not the only one. So I've been thinking about why that is. And it occurred to me. It's not about the relationship. I mean it is. But also it isn't. It's about the pursuit. The fact that somebody thinks you are worth pursuing. Validating your worth to yourself. It holds power because someone else is confirming that you are worth it. Worth their time and effort. Worth their attention. Worth their friendship. Worth their love. Worth it.

Why do we place so much stake on other people's opinion  Well there a tons of reasons why. And even more reason why we shouldn't. But the facts don't change anything. The fact is that we do. It doesn't matter if we shouldn't. So guess what. I have the hardest time believing that I am worth anything. Time. Money. Attention. Caring. Love. It's the most impossible thing for my mind to comprehend. And I have no idea why this is. However I am blessed. I am able to see the incredible worth of those around me. I love this. I find it inspiring. I love you. I care. And just so you know. You are worth it. This is a truth. One I am passionate about speaking. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth so much more then you will ever know.

How Perfectly Draining

Feeling so much. So much more then I can handle. Being filled with emotion to the point of breaking. Overflowing. Overwhelmed. And at the same time feeling somehow so incredibly inadequate. This is quite the odd cocktail of feeling and emotion, and lack there of. Very hard to explain. But very real to feel. And quite "perfectly draining." At this point I'm perfectly fine with being unable to explain. With no needing to fix things or change them. In this moment I'm just here. Not really trying very hard to put it to words. Not forcing anything. Just being. And it's strangely freeing.

Your Feelings Matter

Okay pet peeve! People telling you that your problems really aren't that bad because someone somewhere has it much worse then you.. Umm what?! How is that supposed to help me in the slightest? Now not only do I still feel shitty, but now I also feel like my problems are invalid and my emotions are somehow "wrong" and I have no right to feel them.This just adds to the overall overwhelm and feelings of failure and misery.

Well I have news for you. You have every right to be miserable. You have every right to hurt.

Because it doesn't matter what other people are or aren't going through. Just because your neighbor has a broken leg, it doesn't make your sprained ankle any less painful. You can't say, well he has it so much worse so I have no right to be in pain. You still hurt. And it's ok.

Your pain is valid. Your emotions are valid. Your fears are valid. You have every right to be hurt, angry, confused, sad, upset, ect.

Oh here is my personal favorite. "You have such a great life, there are children starving in Africa." Yes this is true. There are. And that is awful. But how does that in any way make it wrong for me to be sad? If I pretend I'm not. And fake it. Does that somehow help them? Nope. Not even a little bit. What is does accomplish is making me feel more and more like a failure. Why can't I just be happy. I have such a good life. I should be happy. What is wrong with me. This is not ok. This is not empowering. This is destructive.

Now I'm not in any way saying it's ok be as sad as you want all the time! I'm saying guess what. If you find yourself there. It's ok. I don't believe in staying there, but if you can't get out. If you need to sit for awhile. It's ok. Your emotions. Your experience. Is important, regardless of the situations of others. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to hurt.

It's a New Year. I Want a Hug.

It's a new year. I've never been a hug-er. Lately I've come to realize the power of a hug. It says so many things. To you it's just a hug. To me, it's hope. Security. Feeling important. Safe. Loved. A promise that I'm not alone. That everything will be ok. That I don't want to let you go. Saying I love you without words. Feeling connected and loved and wanted all in one gesture.

I don't really believe in resolutions. I believe they set you up to fail and feel bad about yourself. We pick one day a year to decide to drastically change something about us that we don't like, when in reality we are no where near ready for the change. So we try. We do good for awhile. Then we fail and berate ourselves for falling short of our lofty goals.

Rant about resolutions aside. I am making a life change starting today and lasting as long as I can keep it going. I want to love more people. I want to let them know they are loved and wanted. I don't want anyone to ever feel as bad as I do. I want to hug more. Love more. And most importantly. Show it.

No One.

I've been having a hard time lately. Thoughts race through my head that shouldn't. I just feel incredibly hopeless, miserable, and unwanted, because who would ever want to be with a fucked up, suicidal girl? No One. This is where my head is. This is what I think. I know I shouldn't. I'm ok. But I figured that If I was feeling this way, chances are there are plenty of other people out there who do too. So I just want to say that I'm here. I understand. It really sucks. You are wonderful. Even when your head tells you otherwise. I love you. I really do. We can do this. I honestly don't know if it will be ok. I just know that it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like it ever will. But you know what? That's ok. In it's own messed up way, it's ok.

I find these scarily accurate, so here they are, just cuz.

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

So if you are in a similar place. Or even if you are not. 

Just so you know. 

Finding Meaning

So Holidays. With Christmas behind us and the promise of a New Year ahead, I've been thinking a lot about  holidays and meaning, and how by assigning meaning we turn a perfectly normal day into something special.

Got started thinking about this when I was working on Christmas day. I was there and everything was normal. The dogs being.. well dogs. Didn't know or care that it was supposed to be a "special" day. And you know what. It wasn't anything special. It was just a day like any other with nothing remotely special about it. What makes it special. We actively assign meaning to it. And that is all.

Then I got to thinking, it's kinda the same way with life. It really has no meaning. Unless you give it some. Maybe the meaning of life is to give it meaning? Maybe the purpose of life is to give it purpose? Maybe it has a lot more to do with what you do with something ordinary, rather then when you find something extraordinary. If you are constantly waiting for things to be better. To stumble across something "more". Then you are doomed to be disappointing. Don't try to find meaning. Actively create it.

Worry

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about how people see me. Well that's only half true. I used to worry constantly. Now I worry less, but its still there. Anyway. I never told anyone anything really personal. Even close friends. I could say that no more then three people really know the real me (and probably still can). And even with them. It was weird to think that they saw me differently from everyone else, because they knew so much more about me. I worry. Because I value their place in my life so much. I worry. That the way they see me isn't how I want and that this fact will somehow cause me to lose them. It's almost funny. The knowing and seeing of the real me, with all my imperfections and oddities, takes away my ability to control how they see me.

Worry is toxic. It solves nothing. No problem was ever solved by worrying. Sometimes it comforts. It gives the illusion of control. But in reality it merely robs this moment of joy.

I have found that when you are being your most genuine you, you have to sacrifice control. You can not be your authentic self while filtering what people see and know, so that you can shape their view of you. So I'm learning to let go.

Self Destruction

I can't seem to gather my thoughts today. But I've been thinking a lot about self destruction. Which prompted a search on deviantart. Which turned up some beautiful beautiful works written by talented people. I picked my 3 favorites and decided that today I would let their words speak. They resonate with me at my core. I read them and I feel like they pulled thoughts and emotions out of my head and put it into words more beautiful then I could ever hope to articulate.

My Own Self Destruction

Author: n1saxmds on deviantart

"There are things about me
I just can't control
The shame makes me want
To crawl in a hole
I rely on you more
Than you'll ever know
It'd be better for you
If I were to go
I know I'm a burden
Don't bother denying
But I can't seem to shake this
No matter how hard I'm trying
The guilt causes pain
And so does the fear
The voices inside
Are all I can hear
All of these things
Make it so hard to function
I am the cause
Of my own self-destruction."

Self Destruction

Author: ohsostarryeyed on deviantart

"i don't need you anymore." 

"why, because you're happy? you're not fucking happy. you wouldn't know happiness if it sat next to you on a train." 

"i -" 

"what, am i hurting you? you don't know what hurt really is. you think cutting and starving and purging is pain? let me show you what pain really is, then we'll talk." 

"please, no -" 

"you're afraid it'll hurt too much? you have no idea. try living. see what that's really like. life is pain. living is pain. breathing is pain. sitting there in agony and doing nothing -- that's what hurt really is." 

"wait -" 

"not some petty heartache, not your day-old hunger, not your sore throat, not your bleeding arms. that's doing something -- something fucking dumb, but something -- about the pain of living. you're too scared to try, that's what you are. you're afraid." 

"i am." 

"you need me. you need me so you can be alive, so you can stop yourself from truly living. i'm your fear control. i stop things from getting too scary for you. that's all i am to you. but you need it, and who am i to say no?" 

"i don't need you, i don't -" 

"yes, you do. you can't handle the pain otherwise." 

"i don't -" 

"imagine living and feeling the ground's uncertainty under every step you take. you need the blood and the hunger and anything to fucking keep your mind off of the nothingness that might be under your next step." 

"but -" 

"you can't live without me. you can't live with me, actually. i stop you from living. you need me." 

"you're right. i'm too afraid to live." 

"you're too afraid to love." 

"it's ruined me." 

"no sweetie, i've ruined you."

Self Destruction

Author: DreamAmongStars on deviantart

"I hate you so much
yet
I love you to death.

I want to be [as far away from you as possible,]
but I know I could -never live without you.-
I'm the only one who can truly
see through your mask and
I wish you would let others see,
but I know exactly why you don't want to.
And as crazy as it sounds,
I understand your masochistic ways.
When you have pain in your life,
you want it to {go away,}
but when it's not there,
you feel ...e.m.p.t.y...

I get it.

And I know how afraid you are
[of yourself]
and how afraid you are
of others.I know you have trust issues and even though
I know the most about you,
I know you don't trust me.
It's okay though,
because even though you, too, know the most
about me,
I don't trust you.
It's like we need each other
for support,
otherwise we wouldn't even be friends.
But maybe we would, because we have
everything in common.

From the bands we like
to our favorite color,
it's almost like you're me.

So why can I not stand you?"

The Reality of Fear

The Reality of FEAR:

You are not scared of the dark. You are scared of what's in it.
You are not procrastinating because you are lazy. You are afraid of trying your hardest and not being good enough.
You are not afraid of heights. You are afraid of falling.
You are not afraid of talking. You are afraid of being misunderstood.
You are not afraid of the people around you. You are afraid of rejection.
You are not afraid to tell your parents. You are afraid of being a disappointment.
You are not afraid to love. You are afraid you won't be loved back.
You are not unwilling to believe. You are afraid that you won't believe the right thing.
You are not afraid to let go. You are afraid to accept the reality that things won't be the same.
You are not afraid to trust. You are afraid you will be given a reason not to.
You are not afraid to try again. You are just afraid of getting hurt all over again for the same reason.

I haven't posted for a few days. I've been telling myself I've been to busy. But really that's a load of crap. I've been afraid. Not afraid to post. But afraid of being misunderstood. Or judged. Or saying the wrong thing. Or looking stupid. Or proving that I am in fact as stupid as I feel. This is the reality of my fear.

Void

I love this graphic. It reminds me that it's ok to feel empty sometimes. It's ok to have a void and just leave it be. There is no hurry to fill it. We all have a void. We all try to fill it. They are different shapes. What fills it for you may not for someone else. The trick is in finding what will fill it for you. Some things obviously fit. Some don't. Some feel like they do for a little while. But not long term. Thus is the nature of the game.

Oddities

Been thinking a lot lately about what exactly it is that makes us who we are. What is your "essence" if you will. And I'm sure there is more to it than this but I've decided that your oddities are your essence. (well maybe not all of it, but pretty darn significant)

Soooo in what ways are you odd?

I'll go first.

I love being barefoot, but when I do wear socks I like polka dots and pandas.

I cut the tops off of muffins, no like.. a whole batch.. and leave the bottoms....

I can't keep plants alive, but I successfully kept large groups of fish for years.

Also I'm terrified of fish...

I don't like summer, but I love winter.

I get cold very easily.

I never go more then a few months without rearranging the furniture in my room.

I looooove blankets and pillows. I have at least 5 of each which I curl up under every night.

I've seen a lot of scary things. My brain is haunted by things so awful I can't even describe them. But for some unknown reason Gollum from LOTR causes my brain to absolutely flip out with terror.

I am very direction-ally challenged. I've gotten lost walking around a corner.

I can not for the life of me remember street names, even if I've driven on them hundreds of time. I can remember odd landmarks, that that is how I get most places.

I can not stand to have long toenails. Mine are incredibly tiny, and it bothers me when they grow. I'm the same way about dog nails.

I watch documentaries. For fun.

I've been known to swoon over beautiful words.

I love reading old books, and spending hours in old book stores.

I have naturally pin straight brown hair, but I love it curly and red.

I defend things. Like anything.

I annoy myself often.

I'm prone to dancing in the rain.

My eyes change colors.

I'm terrified of needles, but I have 5 piercings.

That crazy wind before the storm. I love that so much <3

I spend 95% of my time with dogs, and am routinely harassed for doing dog-like things...

I can(and have) literally listen to people talk for hours telling me about their lives and not said a word.

I am good at not talking about myself.

I love black and white things. My dog is. My room is. I adore contrast!

I love pretty things and clever words.

. . .

More on this when I'm not dead tired! G'Night!

(\(\ zZz
( -.-)
o_(")(")

Was it a Good Day?

How was your day? Well it was a day. Was it good?...

People ask you how you are. How was your week. How was your day. Well my day was bad and I am not ok. In all honestly they are rarely good. Or well it was, but also it wasn't. This seems to be a theme for me right now. But that is not what defines me. I am at peace with my day despite all the noise. Despite my feelings.

Don't ask me how my day was. Chances are the truth is not something you want to hear. Don't ask me how I felt about my day. Chances are I felt like I couldn't do it. Ask me about the attitude I am choosing despite my day. Despite my feelings. I am at peace with who I am. With what is happening in my life.

Point being, you do not have to have a good day to have a good attitude about it. You do not have to say you had a good day when you did not. If it was shitty, and everything is falling apart it's ok! If you choose to be positive anyway, then good for you! If you can't then there is no shame in that. I refuse to be the person who always smiles and always says they are having a great day. Even if they know that it's a conscious choice. If bad things happened. Say it like it is! Call it out. Look at it. Then put it away and choose how you will be despite all the crap.

I think it's safe to say that I am not an optimist. Though I don't think I'm a true pessimist either. Maybe I am and just don't want to believe it. I'd like to think I'm a realist. I fully expect there to be many many awful days ahead. But I also expect a fair share of good ones. The other day I was fortunate enough to experience pure joy. One of those moments where it just feels like everything is right with the world and nothing can stop you. The feeling of being infinite. Absolutely amazing. I look forward to the next moment like that one. I actively choose my attitude most days. Some days I'm just to tired. To beaten. To hopeless to have any sort of will to be happy. And I am more consistently negative then positive. No. Wait. Scratch that. The more I think about it, I realized something. I don't think I'm fixed either way. I'm one of those "balance people." I don't like things to be extreme either way. If I am around a very negative person, I will be the sunshine and rainbows girl. If I am around a very positive person. I will be the doom and gloom girl. I have a sort of chameleon soul. Same with leadership. When there is someone to do it, I am content to follow. When there is no one to lead, I step up. If I'm around quiet people I am usually the loud one. If I am around loud people I am the quiet one. This has become a tangent, but an interesting one. Back on topic now. this is how my brain works...

What makes a day a good day? Because I'm fairly certain it's impossible to get through a whole day with nothing bad happening. Or maybe that's just me. Is it a percentage? If your day was less then half bad then it counts as good? Or is it by most significant event. If the biggest thing to happen all day was good, then it's a good day? I don't actually know the answers. I guess it must be different for everyone.

When We Are Hurting

When we are hurting. We all have different methods of coping. Of expressing our hurt. Some people react aggressively. Some people let the world know with a dramatic flair. Some people talk it out. Some people eat. Some people cry. Some people pretend. Some people fight. Me. I retreat. I hide.

This is what I do. I get very very quiet. I stop eating. I start sleeping as much as possible. I don't talk to anyone. I don't leave my house. Rarely leave my room. Isolation. Despair. Causing more hurt. Causing more isolation. More Despair. This is the nature of the downward spiral.

I saw it coming. I knew it was there. That dreaded downward spiral.
Now it's here. I'm halfway down. Not really sure what to do about it. Not really sure how to stop it. Or how to get out. Desperately searching for solutions. Confusion. Anxiety. Loneliness. No motivation. I don't know how to help me.

All these thoughts racing. Racing through my head. No more energy to fight them.

You.

You are important.

You are smart.

You are kind. 

You are loving.

You are talented.

You are unique.

You are loved.

You are creative.

You are incredible.

You are compassionate.

You are enough.

You are wanted.

You are worth every second of every day.

You are a dreamer.

You will overcome all obstacles.

You will achieve your goals.

You are a fighter.

You are a survivor.

You are someone I love.

The one thing that you are NOT is alone.

Nobody can take away your gorgeous looks, amazing personality, and everything that makes you worth it.

You are you.
You are worth it.
And you matter.

Do This, Then This.

When depressed do this. Then, this.

This is a reminder to myself. For putting in my pocket. For reading when disoriented and confused. Something to hold onto when everything feels like it's falling, like you are failing. Like it's all out of control and you are slipping away.

. . . 

Dear Self,

You are feeling depressed. You've know what it looks like. You've been here before. You will likely be here again. You can't sleep. You can't wake up. You don't want to eat. You can't really think. Only desperate attempts to escape it all. Convinced that by moving to another house/apartment/universe that everything will be fixed. That awful feeling that you can not possibly stay in your skin for another moment. That everything is pointless. That you are worthless. And nothing has any meaning. Despair despair despair.

All is not lost. No, really. It's going to be ok. Do this:

Get up. Get showered. Get dressed. Get out of the house. I know it feels hard. It is hard. Pat yourself on the back for doing it.

Call someone. Remember it isn't personal if they can't talk right now. People have lives. It's not a sign from the universe that your life doesn't matter. You are not a bother. You are important, and people want to hear from you. So don't use that as your excuse to remain isolated.

Go to class. Go to work. Keep writing your blog. And this part is very important. Remember. "Your state of mind isn't a spiritual or moral failing." You are not a failure. You are not worthless.

Spend a little extra time getting ready for the day. Feel beautiful. Smile. Listen to music that makes you feel beautiful. Draw or paint if you are feeling creative. If not. It's ok. Go for a walk. Just walk. As long as you need to clear your head. If it's really bad, and it won't clear. It's ok. This is not a failure. You are not a failure.

Go to social gatherings. Pretend to be fine. Getting out. Seeing people will make you feel less isolated. You can always leave early. If your brain freezes up and you can't think. It's ok. No, it's really ok. You don't have to talk. The important thing is getting out and around people.

If you can't do it. If it's to much stress. Try it. I know how hard it is. You are so strong for doing it anyway. Take some time to sit. But not to much. Let yourself think and recover. I know it's stressful. I know. You can do it. Go spend some time with a close friend who you feel safe around. If you get anxious talk about it. It's ok. Hugs. You know these make you feel so much better. Hug a lot. And often.

Not everyone understands depression. Do not talk about it with them. Some people do. If you feel like it, talk to them. Just know that nothing that either of you say will change the situation. But it does feel good to be heard.

I know you will be getting desperate. You will begin to panic. Thinking this is how you will be forever. Doomed to downward spiral. You will look for change. Frantically trying to control something. Usually you rearrange furniture, or cut, or get rid of more of your things. Lately you get new piercings and dye your hair. Whatever you need to do. You can do it. Just know that it doesn't fix anything. And it's ok to be out of control for a little while.

If you also become suicidal. I know this happens more often then you would like to admit. You know how far it can go. If it gets to that point. Where you just can't do this anymore. You have two people. Call one or both of them. Talk to them. Remember it will be ok. It will pass. And you are not a failure. You are not worthless.

Ask for support that you need from the people that you trust. Help getting out of bed. Going to the store. Putting gas in your car. Or even just getting out of the house. And when you start telling yourself that you should be able to do this alone, and that you shouldn't bother anyone, ask for help anyway. You know they love you. You know you would do the same for them in a second.

Do not expect anybody else to recognize what an accomplishment it is the be getting out of bed and functioning right now. You deserve a medal. Probably a trophy too. But there is no way for them to know that. They aren't in your brain with you. So recognize this accomplishment yourself. It is huge.

You can do it. It will all be ok. You are strong,
                                           Your (slightly wiser) Self

. . .

And I want to thank Kylie@Effervensence for her post with her letter to her depressed self, which got me thinking, and inspired this one.

This is a Truth.

Lately I've been putting a lot of time in uncovering my underlying truth. I desperately want to be one of those people with a passion for truth. Problem is. I can't always see it. And I know this. This is a truth.

I don't know what you see in me. I just can't see it. But I am learning to trust. To trust that sometimes you see me better than I see myself. This is a truth.

I hate complaining. No let me rephrase that. I hate when I feel like I'm complaining. But I'm realizing something. Life likes to take us down that lonely road where there is nothing anyone can do to help you. Where is comes down to you and your choice to keep going or quit. This is where most of my complaining takes place. And I've always hated it. But not now. I've come to look at it differently. My "bitching rights" where I vent, and complain, and whine about how miserable I am are more then just that. They are in fact a way of killing time. Of giving myself space to breathe, connect, and re-energize, so that I can come back and do what needs to be done. I've never been one to complain. I've always just put my head down and got through things on my own. But lately I just want to tell someone. To scream and cry about how unfair everything is, and how much I can't do it. And I've done just that. And I've hated that about myself. So this realization was a little bit eye opening. It took away some power from my self hatred. Giving myself a little bit of the grace and understanding that I oh so willingly extend to everyone else. This is a truth.

Now it's not always ok. Sometimes I take a dive and land squarely in "victim". Now that I see this, I really don't like it. But when I get good and tired of wallowing in my crap, I remember that everything is a choice, and I have the power to create my reality. This is a truth.

I'm going to find my truth. I'm going to speak it. Clearly. Plainly. I'm going to believe it. Learn to love it. Remember it. And I expect it to be nothing less than earth shattering. My world is being slowly, yet radically changed. And I think I love it.

Me Too

Me Too. There is so much power in those words. They form the single most comforting phrase a person can hear. Me too, lets you know you are not alone. You have an ally. Other people are going through the same things as you. Most of them probably even survive. It instantly transports you from a place of isolation to a place of relief. Possibly even strength. I think one of the worst curses that can befall a human is to be alone. Well. Not to be alone. But to feel alone. For we all know it's very possible to be with people all the time and still feel alone. The feelings. They aren't something we can control. I suppose that is what gives them their power.

I can't tell you how many days I have longed to hear those words. Me too. A Confirmation that I wasn't alone. That someone else could understand where I was at. Me too. And all of the deep love and acceptance that comes with it. The emotional connection made between two people through their shared situations and feelings.

I've gone a long time without hearing those words. Predominately due to my aversion to sharing anything personal with anyone. And my apparent need to struggle in silence. Those words. I remember the first time I heard them. The literal wave of relief that flooded my senses, wiping away frustration. Because when you are this screwed up, it's impossible to explain, and knowing this is immensely frustrating. Knowing that I didn't have to attempt to justify my feelings, to someone who had good intentions, but really no ability to understand, was a huge burden lifted from my shoulders.

Since that day, I've heard it a few more times. I've continued on without it. I've struggled. I've dared to be angry at everything. Furious. Full of questions. The most popular being "why me?" I've come to terms with that question. I've tried on all sorts of explanations. There was a time I even accepted that I didn't need an answer. Ironically enough. Once I let go and accepted the not knowing is when I found my answer. Plainly obvious  Deliciously simple.

Me Too. My pain, struggles, and dare I say suffering. Have given me a great gift. The power of that phrase. Me Too with all it's magic. Power to extend a hand to a broken soul. I can help people who are hurting. I can give them the gift of my understanding. I can walk with them, letting them know that they are not alone. I hear you. I understand. I am here for you. Tell me your story. Yes, I know... Me Too.

Scars

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About Scars. And the stories they tell. The sorrows. And the triumphs. The hard battles and the sweet victories. The lessons. The memories. The surviving. They speak of the strength to keep going. All the time spent hurting.

I have more scars than I can count. Each a memory. I look at them. I know exactly what put it there. I could recount the time, the place, and the reason for each and every one. The long lonely nights. The careless comments that cut deeper then that person could ever know. The overwhelming despair. The alone. So very very alone. The anxious. The frustration. The hopelessness. The pain. The fear. The unknown. The knowing that nothing matters. The voices. Screaming. You are worthless. You can't do it. You will never ever be good enough. He won't want you. They won't talk to you. You f'd that up. Again. All of this. The surviving.

I used to hide them. They seemed like an unforgivable\ reality. A weakness. They somehow proved my point, that I am flawed on some fundamental level, and unworthy of  love from myself or anyone else.

I used to worry. Worry that people would judge me for them. Pity me. Or worse. Keep their distance. Because it's all to much for them to handle. To much for them to understand.

Scars. They prove that my pain is real and raw. That I feel so much, and don't know how else to deal with it.

I've grown to appreciate my scars, and the lessons they've taught me. To see their beauty. To face their truth. But I can't honestly say I am proud of them.

I have spent many long hours thinking, and soul searching, and looking for truths. And I am beginning the long and difficult journey of learning how to love myself. This seems beyond impossible for me in this moment. It's not something I've ever though I could do. If I'm being honest I still don't. But I'm trying. And I'm starting with my scars. And the struggles that put them there.

I am moving past being ashamed. Accepting that they are a part of me, and maybe, just maybe, I can look beyond the surface and see that they are in fact, their own kind of beautiful.

My scars tell stories. The stories of my survival. And I am no longer ashamed to let them speak.

How Are You Feeling?

Artist: David Shrigley

This is me. I feel crazy. I'm a mess. I feel Trapped. I'm scared. I'm surviving.

"I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left."

How are you feeling?

You Are Beautiful

This is something that has been on my heart lately. Beautiful people feeling worthless. This is supremely not ok with me. I'm very sick and tired of all of these truly beautiful people not knowing their true worth, and seeing how important they are, and how loved they are.

I should add this has nothing to do with your body type or the proportions of your face. You are beautiful because you are you. You are strong. You bring your own brand of awesome to the world, and there is power in being yourself and feeling confident in who you are.

You have so much to offer. You are kind. You are beautiful. You are important. And I love you.


Maybe you don't see people looking at you because you aren't looking at them. Maybe you don't hear all the good things people say about you because you are to focused on the bad. Maybe you are a lot more wonderful, beautiful, and special then you ever give yourself credit for.

Those Dark Days

Looking down the tunnel that is my life, and seeing nothing but darkness is daunting to say the least. How do you make yourself go forward when you know you can't win? You know those situations, where you are absolutely doomed to fail. Where there is no doubt that you can't win. Where you've tried and tried, but it's just a hopeless situation. How do you motivate yourself to keep going? To keep trying?

You tell yourself it's worth it. You are worth is. You convince your mind that it's worth it. That despite the opposition you will do your best and learn from the experience. And become a better person as a result.

What if it's not one of those situations. What if it's all in your head. You only think you are going to fail. But it is in fact that thinking, that will inevitable cause the failure you predicted.

Looking at these next too weeks, I can feel the fear creeping in. That inner voice whispering that it's all to much, that there is just no way I can do it.

Today I even believed it. I couldn't stop the voice. Couldn't shake the fear. The gripping terror. Couldn't face the day. So I didn't.

This was cowardly. And I am in no way ok of it. However I'm reminding myself that it's ok to fall. And as hard as it is to pick myself back up when nothing feels possible. That I can do it. I believe in the person I want to become. And even when everything causes me to tremble with fear, and when I'm at war with myself I remember to take a step back, focus on the things and people that give me joy. And push through the darkness. Just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't mean it isn't there. Hopelessness isn't a reason to quit. It's a reason to show the world that you aren't a quitter.

I Don't Understand

I don't understand people. I just don't understand people. They don't make sense. I just don't understand. This is what I tell myself. I repeat it over an over. I believed it. Until recently. I was having a conversation with one of my closest friends and pointed something out to me. He told me "You understand just fine, you just don't like it." This puzzled me. But the more I think about it, the more I think he was right. I do understand. Maybe not everything. I can see the patterns. I know how they work. I just don't like it. We would talk and I would be able to explain and rationalize my own actions as well as the actions of others.

Because if that's the truth of it. If I really do understand. Then accepting that means accepting that there is nothing I can do about it. Relinquishing some control. Accepting the reality as it is. Accepting that there may be nothing wrong with me, and nothing I can do to make things how they "should" be. To make them better. To make them make "sense" in my head.

I See You.

When you look at a person. What do you see? What is the first thing that you notice? I think it depends. For a lot of people you see the mask. The costume.The face they put on. You see it, and know that it's not them. But if it's the only thing they ever show you, then you forget that it's not real. That something else is there too.

People hide behind the purely physical aspects of their person.

What makes us do this. Why are we so incapable of seeing and being seen.

We see, but we don't see. Partially because they aren't showing us, and partially because we aren't looking. People have stopped caring. We have stopped trying to truly see each other.

You look at some people and you just know. They are something special. Their honesty is disarming. They seem to have it. That peace everyone is searching for. Not the kind that pretends everything is all right when it's not. But a simple contentedness with reality. And a joy. That is so hard to find. They know how to see. They aren't afraid to be seen.

I want more than anything to be one of those people. Those people that you look at and you just know. That something is different. You don't see a mask. You see their essence. Something special. They have nothing to loose, and nothing to hide. No fear. No mask. I desperately long to break from the charade, not as an act of defiance  or even a statement about how things are. But to just be free. Free from needing to pretend. Free to see, and free to be seen.

One and Lonely

So Today. The 1st of December. Crazy to think the year is almost over. Today. I'm feeling odd. Lonely is the word I guess. I've proven once again that it's entirely possible to be surrounded by people and feel so incredibly alone. My head is strangely silent for the first time in... I don't even remember a time when my head wasn't constantly playing through conversations and scenarios where I either screwed things up or had a large potential to fail and narrowly avoided it. Those were hard to "see" over and over again. All the time. But I'm not sure if this is worse. It's quiet. To quiet. At least those thoughts kept me company. Now it's just me and it's just quiet.

It gets me thinking about people. I guess I'm just starving for human interaction outside of my own family. To actually have friends lol as crazy as that sounds :P I have friends. And I love them dearly. But I miss having someone who wanted so spend time with me. Or a group of people that I could do things with. Everyone is gone. Or busy. Or doesn't care anymore. And it's a hard reality to swallow.

I'm alone. Confused. My head feels so strange. I want to cry. I'm frustrated. Nothing has a point. There is no purpose to continuing to struggle. Words can not describe how much I hate feeling this way.

Pursuit of Perfection

"To be loved, you need to be open to letting all the many parts of you be loved (not just the good-looking parts). To achieve your dearest ambitions, you need to be willing to fall short of them. To truly connect with other humans, you need to allow them to see that you, too, are human."

( I absolutely adore this quote ^ )

Hello my name is Kristine. And I'm a perfectionist. I want to look perfect. To act perfect. To feel perfect. To sound perfect. To make perfect things. To have perfect relationships and interactions. To live perfectly y And I get so scared that is won't be perfect that I stop trying. The funny thing about perfection, is how much emphasis is put on it by society. And yet the cruelty of it is in it's unattainable.

It's not so hard to accept being imperfect. It's hard to accept that you put your best efforts into something and once again it wasn't good enough. Then you are forced to be content with yourself. Your imperfections. And understand that you are where you are, and its not wrong to not be perfect.

Turns Out I'm a Jerk to me. Note 2 Self:  You don't have to love you, or what you do, or how you are. Right now just let yourself think what you want (one battle at a time)  BUT, there will be no verbal bashing. Stop being a jerk to yourself. It's ok to be ok. Receive compliments and allow yourself to "just be"

Today was one of those, kick you while your down and then do it some more kinda days. Ridiculous amounts of screwing things up on my part and lots of general icky-ness. It was so far from perfect it's almost humorous how bad it was. I apologize for the scattered-ness of this post, my head is rather scrambled at the moment, but I wanted to post what I had, and I shall post tomorrow more on this topic, since I find it rather tragic and fascinating, the lengths we go to attain the unattainable.

For today I am actively striving to see the perfection in the midst of imperfection.






Oh look more art! Well rather than spamming these posts with  my random doodles and various other art projects, i'm putting my daily scraps here on the "Create" page. Also I have been very good about updating my "gratitudes" page! I'm so proud :3

Simply Begin

Random thinking today. It's common courtesy when you greet someone to ask how they are doing. It's equally common to respond that you are doing well even if you are not. Why is that? What if every time you asked someone how they are they told you the truth? I'll bet people would stop asking real quickly :P Can we not handle each other problems? Do we lie to spare the other person the pain of hearing our various heartaches and woes? Or is it that no one actually cares. And the falsified concern is simply a reminder that you need to keep on pretending or a reiteration of the illusion that you are alone in your struggles. /tangent because this post is about art!

 Transformed my room into an art studio today :) Learned a little something about myself. I'm terribly scared of messing things up. Scared to the point where I start a lot of projects, but leave them unfinished  or stop early because it looks good and I don't want to try to make it better and end up messing it up. Which is why I usually stop at the sketch stage, or before adding color.

I'm not an artist. I don't have an abundance of talent. I can't just create amazing things out of my head. But i enjoy it. I love to plan projects. I love that exhilarating feeling when I'm laying awake and the whisper of an idea floats through my mind. I'm able to grab it, take it and develop it into a concrete idea, and I get so excited about it, its almost electrifying. Then the morning hits, and hesitation sets in, and suddenly I'm not so sure it's a great idea, and doubt creeps in. I almost never get past the planning stages to actually start. Why is that? Well today I figured it out. I'm not lazy. I'm not indecisive. I'm afraid. My actions (or in this case lack there of) are dictated by fear. I don't want to do it "wrong" (because its totally possible to be creative the wrong way lol) I'm afraid to fail, so I'm afraid to start. This is the reason I have 4 blank canvas's sitting in my closet, unused for over a year. And a pile of empty sketchbooks, a box of wool roving, and numerous other supplies that I was once excited to use, but instead they remained untouched. Not for lack of inspiration. But for lack of confidence and freedom to just create what speaks to me and not worry about being "right."

My solution. Is to simply begin. Drop all expectations, don't let pressure to preform build up. Just start, absolutely anything, whatever speaks to me at the time. There is no wrong answer. If i hate it, no one has to see. For me this is both frightening and exhilarating. An exciting new realm of possibilities lies on the other side of that fear. It's rather enchanting.

I planned a painting. I started with sketching. I never actually got to the painting stage, because the sketches became their own thing, and I decided instead to take the time to add color and finish them. This is how art works for me, it becomes what it wants and the less planning and more whimsical freedom I give myself the better the result. These are just scraps, and my goal of a painting wasn't "accomplished" but I took a step towards my goal, and that's what I am choosing to focus on rather then beating myself up for falling short yet again.

Usually when i'm struggling with coping with life, I need action. I need to go walk. Or drive. Or re-arrange my furniture. Or cut. Or visit a friend. ect. Something physical so that I can focus and stop the screaming inside my head. Well today, I couldn't do those things. And I learned something. I learned that I can loose myself in my art. I can sit and calmly listen to the voices. Let them go. When I start to draw I lose myself. Time no longer exists. Only lines and shading principles running through my head. I love it so much. I look down hours later at the results of my efforts, and its almost surreal, it doesn't feel like I made it, if that makes any sense? I don't really remember, its just suddenly there. And sometimes I hate it. And sometimes it's beautiful. Once I get started I forget why I was so afraid. Once I've begun I remember the joy and passion I feel as I'm translating images from my head and eyes to the page or canvas. For me today was a small reminder, that sometimes it's worth the effort to experience the fear and push through it, to take baby steps to overcoming them. Because maybe, just maybe the joy is worth the pain it takes to get there.

Today I got past the fear. Today I was able to create. And find joy in that. I don't know when I will be able to do it again. I don't expect it to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is. I will do it.