Resigned to Existence

"In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If I could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life as easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence." -Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things


I found this quote. I think I love it. It doesn't apply to me all the time. But sometimes it does, and I guess that's the point. This is a part of me that is "ugly" or "shameful" or "wrong". At least these are the labels the people in my life have have slapped on those who acknowledge that this IS in fact a piece of them to. That there is a part of them that isn't all shiny and pretty.

See today I don't feel like this. Today I'm fine. And that is why I decided to post it today. Because I can look at it at a time when I'm not drowning in it, defending it for the sake of feeling better about being there. Nope, I'm not there. Yup, I often fall on my face and end up there. Occasionally I even willingly go there for the sake of familiarity. And I'm defending it because you know what? It's ok. It really is ok to feel like total shit. To feel overwhelmed. To want to make everything go away. I refuse to let this mindset be an excuse for me to feel inadequate any longer. It is not me. I am not defined by this mindset. But it is a part of who I am and it is OK =]